Sunday, May 22, 2011
Lifestyles of the Religious Nutball: Apocalypse Later
Many nutballs awaited the end of the world yesterday, only to find themselves having to explain today why they [and the Bible] should ever be taken seriously again
by Larry Simons
May 22, 2011 [yes, I survived!]
I should not even be giving this story the attention it so wrongfully deserved these past few weeks, but it is just so damned fun to ridicule the biggest nuts that ever lived: Religious people. Specifically, really wacko Christians like Harold Camping [pictured above], President of Family Radio, who, in addition to meaningless activities like reading the Bible, made a loonball end-of-the-world prediction that the world would end yesterday.
It appears that Camping did not just pull this date out of his 89-year-old ass, but actually did numerical calculating to come up with the date May 21, 2011.
Apparently, Camping used this “logic” to come up with the date:
1. The number five equals "atonement", the number ten equals "completeness", and the number seventeen equals "heaven".
2. Christ is said to have hung on the cross on April 1, 33 AD. The time between April 1, 33 AD and April 1, 2011 is 1,978 years.
3. If 1,978 is multiplied by 365.2422 days (the number of days in a solar, as distinct from lunar, year), the result is 722,449.
4. The time between April 1 and May 21 is 51 days.
5. 51 added to 722,449 is 722,500.
6. (5 × 10 × 17)2 or (atonement × completeness × heaven)2 also equals 722,500.
Holy jumping shitballs.
Can I make MY prediction now? OK, here goes:
1. God created Adam and Eve, that’s two people.
2. There are 39 books in the Old Testament. 39 X 2 is 78.
3. There were 10 commandments. 78 X 10= 780.
4. 780 years ago was the year 1231.
5. I have wiped my ass a total of 1,231 times from 1972 to yesterday.
6. Keep the 1,231 number in mind.
7. There were 12 disciples.
8. 12 times 2 equals 24.
9. There were 3 wise men. 24 + 3= 27.
10. There were 12 tribes of Israel.
11. 27 + 12= 39.
12. There are 39 years between 1972 [the year I first wiped my ass] and 2011.
13. Therefore, Jesus is coming back on  December 31, 2011
One major issue I have with Camping's loonball prediction, aside from the obvious [that Christians are mentally ill and need psychiatric help], is that the very book in which he professes to be “always absolutely true” [the Bible] is apparently FALSE if Camping believes that a mere man can know the date of the end times.
Mark 13:32 states:
“No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.”
1 Thessalonians 5:2-4 states:
“for you know very well that the day of the Lord will come like a thief in the night. While people are saying, "Peace and safety," destruction will come on them suddenly, as labor pains on a pregnant woman, and they will not escape. But you, brothers, are not in darkness so that this day should surprise you like a thief.”
Apparently, Camping believes that he can predict when a thief will rob his house. Camping does not even believe in the very words he claims to be true. Why would he spend his time attempting to spread the word of a man he is not heeding the teachings of?
Now that another religious quack has been proven wrong…again, they can focus on coming up with an answer as to why we should believe in the Bible at all. These nutcases can join politicians and meteorologists in being the third profession in which one can be continually wrong and still keep their job.