Monday, December 18, 2006

FOX’s “American Dad” Christmas episode: Funniest damned thing I’ve ever seen

"American Dad's" Stan Smith........O' Reilly would LOVE this guy!

Episode: "The Best Christmas Story Never"
Aired December 17, 2006
FOX Network

The episode begins with the family in the town square. Roger (their alien pet that saved Stan's life at Area 51) is horribly depressed and drunk, complaining that since landing on Earth sixty years ago he's accomplished almost nothing; Stan (the Dad), however, is overjoyed, until he finds out that the Christmas Tree has been banned due to its religious nature.

He is further dismayed when more signs of secularism occur---the clerks at the mall aren't allowed to say "Merry Christmas," and the town goes so far as to rename the annual attacker, the Christmas Rapist, the "Holiday Rapist." Stan blames the whole thing on Jane Fonda---his logic being that her going to North Vietnam revitalized the dying hippie movement, and that since yesterday's hippies grew up to be modern liberals, modern liberalism is her fault. Stan finally becomes so enraged that he destroys the tree and the presents; the kids (Hayley and Steve) and Roger are horribly sad, and Francine (Stan's wife) is so mad she banishes him to the couch.

That night, Stan is visited by the Ghost of Christmas Past (a former Tooth Fairy named Michelle), who takes him back to 1970. Stan, however, runs away from her, in an effort to find Jane Fonda in order to assassinate her, thus changing the future. The Ghost, unsure where he has gone, goes back to the present to get Francine; the two then return to the past to find Stan.

Stan has tracked Fonda down to a studio, where he finds out that Donald Sutherland was the one who led her to politics, and changes his plan to assassinate him instead. He finds her at a Hollywood party, where he happens to meet Martin Scorsese and convinces him to give up drugs. Francine and Michelle then grab him and bring him back to the present, where they are shocked to discover the street desolate, with Soviet tanks patrolling.

They eventually figure out what has happened---by getting Scorsese off drugs, they stopped him from ever making the movie Taxi Driver; as a result John Hinckley, Jr. never saw Jodie Foster in the movie and fell in love with her, which resulted in him never trying to assassinate Ronald Reagan. This dented his popularity in the 1984 election, as the near-death experience made him appear stronger; in the new reality he thus lost to Mondale, who quickly surrended the country to the Soviet Union. The group then goes back to attempt to fix what Stan did.

Stan decides to make the movie himself; however, he quickly alienates Robert De Niro and decides to make the movie with John Wayne instead. Unfortunately, this does not impress Hinckley, which means that the future remains changed. The Ghost then transports them to March 31, 1981, and tells Stan that the only way to fix the future is if he shoots Reagan instead. Stan is shocked; he is unable to shoot his favorite president. Francine reminds him how much he wanted Christmas, and points out that it wouldn't exist at all if the Soviets ruled; Stan replies that he doesn't care about trees and presents, but would be happy as long as he had Francine and the kids. The Ghost then informs him that in the alternate future Francine and Stan may never meet, meaning also that Steve and Hayley won't exist. Stan then decides that he must shoot Reagan, and shoots him. Just as he does, the two suddenly transport back into their bed on Christmas morning, 2006.

The two are relieved to find out that history is back to normal, and after fixing the presents and tree, the family enjoys a happy Christmas. The Ghost appears to Stan one last time to give him a gift for saving her job---a brand new gun he says he bought the previous night. When Stan asks how that is possible, as the Brady Bill requires a week waiting period, she informs him that he only shot Reagan and not Brady, meaning that buying guns is incredibly easy. Stan rejoices that he changed the future for the better.

Excerpt from show: This part probably made O' Reilly hard

(At the 99¢ Depot store)
Stan: One of your items, please.
Clerk: How about this cassette?
Stan: Is it 99 cents?
Clerk: It's $1.07 with tax.
Stan: You ever think about changing the sign?
Clerk: It's not really up to me.
Stan: Well, Merry Christmas.
Clerk: Happy holidays.
Stan: I, uh, said Merry Christmas.
Clerk: Happy holidays.
Stan: Just say Merry Christmas.
Clerk: Management doesn't want us saying that.
Stan: (Pulls out his gun, points it at the clerk's mouth) Just say it!
I just about pissed my pants laughing!

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